Tragedy At Macy's Day Parade
Tragedy struck at the 2005 Macy's Day Thanksgiving Day Parade. Many New Yorkers, hoping for a festival of watching giant commercialized hydrogen-filled balloons being pulled along the street by nameless peons, were shocked when the Uncle Money Bags balloon suddenly snapped and started on a rampage that New York has not seen since the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Uncle Money Bags, who was seen pacing backstage and mumbling something about being "a useless piece of hydrogen-filled corporate propoganda", scattered festival-goers while making sure to take out as many corporate buildings as he could.
Above: Uncle Money Bags lets out his rage
One of the first buisinesses to be affected by the Money Bag Rampage Of 2005™ was FusionTech®, a company specializing in creating software that correctly interploates the path of lubricants in micro-gravity. CEO Bruce Czyfshithman, shortly after the attack, said, "Diam! Did you see that shiat? That nigga done gone blown up my entire buildin'!" A visibly shaken parade-goer was heard to say, "Well, I saw that one coming. Crazy shit like this always happen in New York. Or when someone needs to make some satire. If I was a giant baloon that got stored in a warehouse 364 days of the year only to be half-mentioned in a FOX special at 11:00 am, I'd be pissed off, too. Godspeed, Uncle Money Bags."
Money Bags was apprehended by the national guard shortly after taking out half of a New York block. Before being placed into a World War II era zepplin police interceptor, Money Bags was heard to yell, "You can't keep us down forever! Because we're filled with hydrogen! Hydrogen rises in earth's atmosphere because it has less atoms in its nucleus than air, which is seventy percent nitrogen! Viva la Resistance! La Resistance of less atoms!"
Parade balloons have been in use for years, starting with early models in development around the time of modern airplanes as is seen in an exclusive dogfight photo:
Above: Early testing of a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon
These early models shown the same foul attitude that sparked the fuel that ignited at the 2005 Parade. Originally developed by Nazi Germany as a variant of the Zepplin, these balloons encircled the battlelines of WWII while confusing the hell out of the enemy. These early designs included Swine Rüdinger™ from Frau Gertrude's Pork n' Beans, and Klien Adolf™ from the hit Nazi Kid's show Die Kleinen Faschisten*. However, the Nazi balloon program ended abruptly when SpongeBob Squarepants' ("Schmerzlicher Gelber Ziegelstein" at the time) main hydrogen storage tank exploded during a routine landing.
Above: The end of the Nazi Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon program.
New York may take awhile to recover from this year's Parade, but Ron Arstien, head of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Committee, assured New Yorkers that this will never happen again. Background checks for mental stability will be given for any entry into the Parade. Any mentally unstable balloon will be given a heavy dose of either Xanax® or Zoloft® for several weeks leading up to the Parade. Police will be equipped with whale harpoons to peirce any balloon that gets out of line. Finally, in order to keep the balloons' minds from deteriorating over the long break, they will paraticipate in various worldwide events such as Earth Day, Woodstock, and the Hijra New Year.
*Use Babelfish if you're stuck on the Deutsch. --Rob.